Parents know if there's a problem
It's very normal to have highs and lows of emotions throughout our lives, so at what point do you say "This is a real problem, this is a real mental health problem" as opposed to just normal variation of everyday life?
What does 'normal' look like for your child?
I think there are a few things we can think about with young people. So the first thing is: Is the young person able to carry on their normal life in terms of going to school, sleeping at night; eating food; seeing their friends; exercising? Are they able to have a rounded life in that way?
Signs that your child's struggling
If that has gone wrong & if that has gone wrong for a significant period of time, that would be an indicator that there may be a more serious problem than just normal variation. There are some young people who need to do something
Doing things to feel OK
in order to feel okay and this often shows up in something like an obsessive-compulsive thought, so I need, if I touch something on the left I have to touch something on the right. Or I have to touch something seven times in order for it to be okay. That is not a helpful thought process. We all have it to some degree. That's the thing about mental health - we all sometimes have big worries, we all sometimes feel really low, but if a young person is having to do this over an extended period of time, that would be a cause for concern. And it's really hard to see your child in distress, so a
Seeing your child in distress
parent may allow their child, for example, to sleep in their bed at night because they don't want their child to worry.
when it's not helpful to let them sleep with you
Now if that is happening you know, let's say, a 12-year-old is still having to sleep with their parent at night, that is not a helpful accommodation, actually. What you need to do is to think - Are there other things I'm having to do with my young person or with my child, that's not helpful for them? That gives them short-term relief, but actually in the long-term is keeping them in a pattern of dependency on me, that's not age appropriate?
Let's talk about emotions
I think one of the things that's really important is to try to have a culture at home of talking about emotions and talking about difficult things. So emotional literacy, and that's talking about emotions for yourself and modelling to your child - this is what you do when you feel sad, when you feel anxious - is a really important First Step. You really want to
What good messages sound like
give your child the message that "I can manage it, I can handle it" you know, "come & tell me about the tough stuff"
"I want to hear about it."
So it's not only about stopping
Stop! Give them time & space
& giving time & space, but it's about listening with your eyes, about really showing interest, it's about asking little follow-up questions, it's about sometimes even paraphrasing saying "I think what you're saying to me is such and such".
my child struggles to talk to me
With some children, actually what we would really recommend is saying, if you have a child who's really struggling to open up, is to say to them we're going to have some special time, you & me, every single day it may only be 10 or 15 minutes depending on what you can manage & you put everything else aside & it's completely on their terms. & you might do something fun with them but it's all about really leaving space for them & then they begin to trust that space & they begin to
Trusting the process
bring things to you and you can build that trust over time.
Fight the urge to correct your child
One of the things that gets in the way for parents actually, is that when their child tells them something if it's problematic, or they don't agree with what their child is saying, what we're always tempted to do is to put them right. Now when a young person is bringing some information to you, even if it's difficult to hear something like, "I hate my friend, she left me out of school, I don't want to invite her to the party anymore". What we want to do is to say "Don't be silly" or you know, "She's your best friend of course you want her to come", We might want to say "Well what part did you play in it?" That's not the time, that's the time to do the empathy,
Empathy & Validation
the time to do the validating,
"Wow it sounds like your friend really upset you today, tell me a little bit more about what was happening."
Now through those conversations, over time you are building & strengthening relationships with your child - also managing the conflict.
Managing conflict
Do you know something like 70% of our conversations with other people are conflictual? Well the first thing I would say there's some amazing resources
A parent needing help
out there for parents, so there are really good books now for parents to understand what's going on for their child and let's say your child is presenting with some anxiety, there are some really important things the parents should do and shouldn't do in that situation & it's not always intuitive, so I would, first of all, make sure you do some reading yourself.
What can I do with my child?
There are also some fantastic books to read with children. So there's actually a series of books by Dawn Hebner called
"What to do when" - "What to do when your brain gets stuck", "What to do when you dread your bed", you know, ones about anger, ones about anxiety - they're really good to share with your child, so you can think together and really help them to, and you to understand what's going on for them. So that would be the first step. If the problem is ongoing,
Talking to your Doctor
despite your efforts to help them and over a period of a few weeks, then that would be the time to go to your GP would be your first Port of Call. And your GP can refer into a CAMH service Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service, although the waiting lists are quite long at the moment, but if your child is really stuck, you are feeling really stuck, despite what you've tried to do together, things are not shifting then that's absolutely your Port of Call.
Great online resources
There are some really amazing online resources actually, including this one. Other ones like Young Minds and also some apps that you can use. Like there's an app called Headspace, there's one called Calm which actually are really good & if you could use them together with your child or even your child as a teenager they might want to do it by themselves. Those can be really helpful things to do while you're waiting to get some professional support.
Talking to the school
If you do have a child who is struggling to get into school what we know from the evidence is that the most important thing is that they keep going. Teachers are there to support you,you need to work as a team with the teacher, to think about what you can both do to support the child, teachers will always be very helpful in getting kids back into school. But also
Behaviour: School vs home
it's helpful if you're struggling with something at home to ask the teacher do they struggle in the same way? To see...
- Is this Behavior context dependent? And what's helpful for the child and what's unhelpful for the child.
Keep a diary
Keeping a diary is a really helpful thing to do because when you are sitting in front of a professional and they ask you a question about "How often do they have a meltdown? How many you know, how many hours a night are they sleeping? It's really hard to remember particularly when you're feeling stressed yourself which you're likely to be if your child is really struggling so keeping a diary is really an excellent idea. We do know that there are some
Different struggles
neurodevelopmental differences in young people, in all of us in fact, that can mean that a child struggles in a very particular way. So for example a child on the autism spectrum will struggle with social situations, they may need things to be done in a certain way and they can be really peddling hard underneath to try and do what's expected of them. So that's an important area to consider, maybe as a parent to read up a little bit about, to talk to your teachers about it, the child's teachers about it, who you know, will have a broader experience of other children.
Parents, look after yourselves
Parenting is the most wonderful thing we do. I think it's incredibly rewarding and also one of the hardest things we ever do. Try to avoid the black & white thinking. You are being the best parent you can be, no parent is giving their child a perfect experience, absolutely nobody is. In fact there is one statistic that suggests you've got to get it right 30% of the time in order to have a secure child. So the first thing is to remember they're going to be highs and lows, there are going to be ups & downs, there's going to be times when you're not sure what to do.
Try and be kind to yourself.
Remember it's one of the hardest jobs in the world, Remember your child does not have to be happy all the time. They're going to have highs & lows and you're doing the best you can do. Have a community around you, make sure you get down time and look after your own well-being, because you need to put your armbands on first, before you're able to help your child.
